Just one of many

So I guess I didn't scare you off, huh? Good! Welcome back!

I’ve got a lot of goals I’m setting for the new year – some professional, some personal, some very much needed and some just for fun. One of my goals fits into all of those categories: going to BlogHer ‘09.

Here’s why:

Professional reasons – I’ve really busted my butt to get my business going since I started it in June and I’d like for 2009 to be the first year that I survive on my own without working for someone else and depending on my Mom for bailouts. (The government seems to like handing those out lately but since I’m not a bank or an automobile company, I have to rely on my Mom’s patience and kindness.) The number of connections, the sheer volume of networking that goes on at BlogHer would give me a serious boost.

Personal reasons – I need a vacation. I haven’t been on a vacation since we took my baby brother to Disneyworld when he was a baby. He’s now 27. I want to get out of the house, I want to meet some real live people, and I want to just take a freakin’ break. Is that so wrong?

Much needed – Well, this is a combination of both of the above. I need the networking opportunities to develop my business and I need to get away.

Just for fun – Ok, let’s face it. I have no life. I can admit that. I have no friends in what they call “real life” and the Internet IS my real life. All of my friends live in my computer. I don’t have a husband or boyfriend and I don’t even date anymore because I just don’t have the time. The closest I get to a Girl’s Night Out with drinks and dinner is grabbing a Happy Meal and a Sprite with Princess.

So why am I telling you all of this? Two reasons: 1) I’m making some of my goals public (between this blog & my others) so that there’s a little more accountability involved and 2) Queen of Spain is giving away – out of her own pocket – a registration to attend Blog Her ‘09. And since she’s not my mom and I’m not 14, begging and whining and promising to do the dishes every night for a month won’t cut it.

Here’s my post, Your Majesty. (Man, I wish I would’ve given myself a royal title so people would call me that! Of course, I don’t think anyone would bow to the Queen of Crazy.) You can’t see me through your computer so you’ll have to take my word for it….I’m jumping up and down and yelling “Pick me! Pick me!” and I think you should pick me if for no other reason than the fact that it takes a lot of skill to write a blog post while jumping up and down. Now that’s some talented blogging, no?

P.S. Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me!

P.P.S. If I do happen to win, I’m going to be looking for people to road trip with, share a hotel room with, etc. So if you’re in the Omaha or Chicago area, consider yourself warned!

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Its like PMS on crack

I was listening to some show on NPR yesterday and the topic was mental health, the DSM (Diagnostic & Statistical Manual) which is THE book that decides what’s an official disorder and what’s not. They only update this thing like every 10 years or so and the next one is scheduled to be published in 2012. Its kind of a hot topic in the psychiatric world world of psychiatry right now because there’s a review draft coming out in 2009. (I had to rewrite that because saying “psychiatric world” made it sound like it was the crazy people that are excited about it and, honestly, I don’t think most of them care that much. I do but then again I’m not exactly your typical crazy person.)

Anyway, on this show they were talking about what is being considered for inclusion in the DSM-V. The topic of homosexuality came up. Did you know that being gay used to be considered a mental disorder? Yep. It was officially listed in the DMS in like the 50’s and 60’s and they finally removed in the 70s.

They were also talking about gender identity as a disorder. Now I’m all for this one! Not because I think people who feel like they were born with the wrong genitalia are mental cases because they’re not. See, if something is listed in the DSM and is officially labeled a mental disorder, then its supposed to be covered by insurance for treatment. (Don’t get me started on health insurance.) So if gender identity disorder is listed then it will be easier for those living with it to obtain sex reassignment surgery.

Ok, that’s not the point of my post. As fascinating as it is, I have never ever felt like I should have a penis. Well, I did in my 20’s but that wasn’t so much wanting my own as it was someone else’s.

No, the reason I’m so interested in this is because there is talk of including PMDD in the DSM. (Sorry for all the acronyms but even if I did know how to spell some of this out, I wouldn’t. I’m lazy like that.) Ok, so PMDD…in the DSM…YES! They should do that! Because I have PMDD and I can tell you it is not normal. Don’t you dare say “Oh its just PMS, suck it up” because PMDD isn’t the same as PMS. Its kinda like PMS…if PMS was going through heroin withdrawal. Living with a woman with PMDD is like living with Jekyll/Hyde’s evil crack-addicted stepsister.

Luckily for me and everyone I come in contact with, I’m medicated. Zoloft does the trick. Zoloft keeps me from wanting to rip the head off of the checkout clerk who put my People magazine next to the ice cream in my grocery bag. Zoloft keeps me from ramming my little Saturn into the SUV that cuts me off on the Interstate then goes 10 mph slower than I was going. Zoloft keeps me out of prison.

So to all of you big shot shrinks out there who have a say in this whole DSM-V thing, please do us all a favor and include PMDD so women can get their insurance to pay for their drugs without having to be slapped with labels like “bipolar” or “depression” just to get treatment. Their husbands and kids and co-workers (and checkout clerks and random drivers) will love you forever.

If you do this, Mr. Dr. People, the world will be a much brighter place. Because you know how that saying goes…if Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.

Thanks!

P.S. Seriously, if you even suspect that your “PMS” is really bad, talk to your doctor. And if you’re like me and don’t have insurance, I can tell you that I pay $30 for a 90 day supply of Zoloft at Wal-Mart. The generic version, sertraline, is on their cheapy list.

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There’s still time

Christmas is just a few days away and I hope all of you are still in the holiday giving spirit. (Oh, and Happy Hannukah too! I don’t know much about Judaism but I know it started at sundown today.)

Anyway, I’m just not feelin’ it this year, between my financial situation and some things my kids have said and done recently, but one thing that never fails to lift my spirits is seeing the generosity of friends and even strangers throughout this time of year.

My favorite stories this season are those of my friends Michael Martine (@remarkablogger) and Kelly McCausey (@kellymcausey).

Michael survived a run-in with some black ice on a Vermont highway not too long ago. Unfortunately, his Jeep Cherokee didn’t make it. So Michael thought it would be worth a shot to ask for some donations to help cover the cost of repairing or replacing the vehicle. What he ended up with was enough to cover the towing expenses from the wreck AND put a down payment on a “new” Saab. (Its not a  brand new car but its new to him.) He was completely blown away. But like everyone kept telling him, its just our way of giving back to him after all he has given to us.

Kelly’s story is about what her readers did for a whole group of women (and one man!), specifically moms who work at home.  A few weeks ago, Kelly asked WAHMs to submit their holiday wishes, something that would help them grow their business. Remember my recent video post?  That was made possible thanks to Kelly and my not-so-secret Santa, Alice Seba of Internet Marketing Sweetie. Among the wishes I’d submitted, I asked for a camcorder so that I could take my blogging to the next level. (I’m working on some how-to videos but my director talents are lacking a bit so I’m learning.) Anyway, there were so many wishes granted – everything from coaching and memberships to printers and digital cameras – that it just warmed my heart. And, frankly, its been bordering on ice cold lately.

So the point of this post is to not only remind us about the caring, compassionate nature of people you meet online, people you may never see in person, but also to let you know that there are still people out there who need a little help. If you’ve got a few extra dollars to spare, visit the following blogs or sites and contribute what you can afford. I haven’t been able to give more than $5 or $10 but if enough people can add just that much or even $1 or $3 it all adds up and puts that person one step closer to their goal.

Also, while you’re visiting, some of these blogs belong to freelancers or people trying to get their business going, so check out their services too and save their info for the next time you need an article or some graphics or something.

Kim has a shattered windshield thanks to this nasty cold Midwestern weather

My single mom friends, Tishia Lee and Shannon Smith, haven’t asked for anything specific but I know they’ve both had some struggles lately with computers and cars and other expenses that single moms rarely have room for in their budgets. Tishia is a virtual assistant specializing in transcription and Shannon has her own graphic design business, so if you need either one of those services, look them up.

And, as much as I hate doing this because I’m not big on asking for help, I’ve got my fair share of car problems. (Business is improving but its still not enough. I had to borrow money from my mom to get Christmas gifts for the kids.) My brakes are so bad, they grind even when I’m just driving along and my tires are so bald that I end up with packed snow coating them. This 120-mile-a-day trip to get Princess to and from school doesn’t help and I’d love to find a way to make the sperm donor her father pay for it but considering he hasn’t contributed a single dime to child support or transportation costs it ain’t happening. Anyway, that’s a whole ‘nother story I just don’t want to get into again. I’ll just leave it at that and post one of those nifty little PayPal buttons down at the bottom of this post. (I’ve also got that little Top Spots box over in my sidebar if you wanna get some ad space out of it.)

If you’d rather donate to charity, here are a few of my favorites:

Hopeline, the organization that runs 1-800-SUICIDE as well as other helplines

JDRF, Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation

NAMI, National Alliance for Mental Illness

I’ve had this post sitting in draft mode for the past 2 hours so I think its time to just get over my fear, swallow my pride, and click on “publish” now.

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Too good to be true

Whenever things start going good for me, I always feel like I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Three times during the past week, the subject of fear of failure/fear of success has come up. And each time I’ve said the same thing – I fear success because I am afraid that as soon as I get used to it and start to be comfortable with it, it will go away.

Sure enough, its starting to. Things were going really great, I made twice as much in the first half of December as I had in November. A month ago, I didn’t know how I was going to get the kids anything for Christmas. And then things picked up and I was so excited that I was going to be able to give them a decent Christmas this year.

Yet here I am, a week before Christmas, and my plans fell apart. Between not getting a payment I had been counting on and an unexpeected bill that came up, I’m back to where I was…wondering how I’m going to afford groceries for the rest of the month.

You know what hurts the most? I was so excited about being able to get Princess the biggest thing on her Christmas list – a Nintendo DS Lite in metallic rose – and I ordered it a few days ago through Amazon plus two games thanks to a buy one, get one free deal they had. Oh it was going to be perfect! One game was some Imagine Teacher (which she loves to do….play school) and the other was some horse riding game and she is crazy about horses. Well I just got the email about an hour ago that the order won’t be shipped because my card was declined. Well, yeah, after having to pay an extra two months on my car insurance there wasn’t enough money in my account.

So there it goes – my pride, the absolute joy just thinking about what it was going to be like to see the excitement on her face when Santa really did bring her the DS. Instead I have to face not just her but all 3 of my kids and explain to them that Mommy was doing good for a while but now its gone again and I’m sorry but this is all there is, maybe next year.

It felt good while it lasted and I am grateful that I was able to pay off some bills this month, get my cell phone turned back on, keep my water from getting shut off. Like I said last night, better to have short-lived success than none at all, right?

Yeah. Right.

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There won’t be a shower

Today was supposed to be the day for Sissy’s baby shower. I planned it with good intentions and even postponed it for a month when it wasn’t working out the way I had hoped. It’s mainly my fault because I didn’t put as much effort into it as I had planned but with the way my daughter has behaved over the past 9 months I just didn’t have the heart for it.

I was against this pregnancy from the beginning. Hell, I was against her even seeing this baby’s father and although I didn’t go so far as to forbid her from seeing him – we all know how that works…it doesn’t – I did ground her when I caught her lying to me about some things that involved him. Rather than abide by my rules and adhere to the grounding, she chose to run away then lied about it and told everyone I kicked her out. So she went to a foster home where the parents let her do her own thing and apparently “doing her own thing” involved running around with this boy, hence the pregnancy.

I made it clear that coming home was not an option because I do not have the room, the money, or the energy to have a baby in this house. And when I found out that she was not only dating someone else but that this new boyfriend was, in fact, the foster dad’s son and he was living there and they had lied to her caseworker about it, she was removed and put into another home.

I tried to come to terms with the pregnancy and began preparing to accept her and the baby into my home. This is where planning the shower came in. I can’t afford to buy her all of the things that the baby needs so I decided to use what I had – my blog, some marketing, some advertising, some bartering – to help her out.

I have asked her several times to come spend some time over here to help me plan this, to explain to her how blogging works, to show her how fortunate we were that we would be able to do this. But because of this controlling boyfriend who treats her as his property and makes the decisions about where she spends her time, it never happened.

After we got into it about this boyfriend, about her role in this family, about the expectations I have on her if she plans on living under my roof, I decided not to put any effort into the shower. She was under the mistaken impression that this shower was nothing more than “your friends sending you shit.”

The lack of gratitude she has shown makes me ill. We have always been poor yet somehow both of my older kids have developed this attitude of entitlement. Its both disappointing and embarassing. I am absolutely ashamed at both of my kids today and I have informed them that our family Christmas celebration this year will consist of Santa Claus coming to visit Princess and nothing more. I will go through the motions for the little one’s sake and make the best of it but aside from that I have absolutely no holiday spirit thanks to Sissy and Bubba.

So the shower is canceled and so is Christmas. My most sincere apologies go to the sponsors who were generous enough to help. I will return the items to you within the next week. Just email me your addresses since I didn’t keep the packaging with the return addresses on them. I will create a space on my Link Love page just for you as my way of saying “Thanks anyway. I really do appreciate it. And I’m sorry.”

I’ll come back and add links later but for now, I just wanted to get this out. I’m just so deflated right now I don’t even feel like messing with formatting this post.

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