“Home Sweet Home” or the “Where in the hell have I been?” post

So I guess I didn't scare you off, huh? Good! Welcome back!

I have somehow lost like an entire week. Between celebrating my birthday, freaking out over the idea that 40 is only 2 years away, getting in touch with old friends from high school and hanging out with an old boyfriend, and seeing my therapist again for the first time in several months just to discuss what we need to do before closing out my file, I’m having one of those identity crisis things I think. Not a big one, just enough to make me wonder how much of the old me is still around.

When I say “the old me” I’m talking about two particular phases in my life: Teenage Me and The Breakdown Years.

Teenage Me was nothing but trouble. I skipped class, I smoked pot, I dated bad boys who had longer hair than I did, I went to rock concerts, I slept with a cheerleader’s boyfriend, I ran away from rehab. My jeans were ripped, my stereo was always blasting, my hair was big and blonde (except for that one time I used some temporary stuff to color it red and apparently I got mad at The Boyfriend for saying he liked it better blonde but I don’t remember that.)

I worshipped guys like Nikki Sixx, Sebastian Bach, Rudy Sarzo, Steven Tyler, Rick Savage….I even wrote a letter to the dude that managed Poison at the time to ask him what it would take to become an entertainment manager. Music was my life. If I couldn’t BE a Rock Star, I was going to work with them. (This will explain why so many of my projects have the term Rock Star in the name. Like Rock Star Blog Design and the Rock Star Biz Network. And why some of my jobs and my friendships have been centered around music and bands.)

But some of that passion has fizzled over the past few years, some of which has to do with The Breakdown Years.

During The Breakdown Years, I was still involved in some of it…bands, concerts, drinking, bad boys. None of it was doing me any good. In fact, it damn near killed me. Between having my heartbroken and trying to save someone from the same addictions I had long ago freed myself from, it broke me. I lost sight of who I was and what was important to me. I let people treat me like shit because I felt like that was what I deserved which made no sense because I was always the type of person that swore I’d never take any crap from anyone.

That’s all over now. It all finally came to a head in the Summer of 2006 and I almost died. Twice. That was my rock bottom. And I’ve busted my ass to pull myself back up from there. I stopped partying, I stopped dating, I stopped going to concerts other than a few local bands and to kinda chaperone a few for my daughter and her friends.

I got my own place, I found a job working from home, I started my own business, and I stayed out of trouble.

So what does this past week have to do with all of this stuff? Well now that I’m in a better place in my life and got some control back, I’ve got room to let some of the old me back in without worrying about throwing away this New Me I’ve worked so hard on building.

I can have my loud music back. I can have a few drinks. I can hang out with the bad boys as long as they’re the kind that just seem bad on the surface but underneath they’ve got a heart of gold and would never intentionally hurt me or anyone else, the ones that have Been There Done That (like me) and learned their lessons (like me).

Over the past week, I’ve been thinking about that little space in my life where my professional life and my personal life are connected. Most of my life is lived online right now and I don’t want to have to worry about keeping them separate. I want to be myself in my business, I want to be authentic, I don’t want to feel like I need to apologize or explain myself to anyone in either of those circles. My friends will know that I can’t stay up drinking all night because I have a client project to finish, and my clients will know that I am not working over the weekend because I’m going to a concert.

In other words, I am who I am. Yes, I have a past but I also have a future. And all of the mistakes I’ve made have made me who I am today. Love it or leave it.

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Facebook doesn’t suck so much anymore

What’s with all of the polls and blog posts and status updates about how bad the new Facebook sucks? Look, when you create a website that turns into a worldwide phenomenon with millions of users and you’re laughing your 24 yr old ass off all the way to the bank and stopping to chat with Oprah along the way, you can do whatever you want with your site. Until then, just put on your big girl panties and accept the fact that Facebook looks different. Your 947 acres of li’l green plants and your SuperMegaGinormous Wall are still there, just invest a few minutes figuring out where they went or ask somebody who has already figured it out. 

Personally, I like the new Facebook. But then again, I liked New Coke too so what would I know. Seriously, I think its much more simple and a lot less cluttered. I’ve spent more time on Facebook this weekend than I have in the past year.

Of course, some of that may have something to do with the fact that I’ve found about 15 different people I remember from high school, one of which is an ex-boyfriend of mine that I was just absolutely crazy over. Its so bizarre! Like in a good way though. 

Facebook is so bringing back my Big Hair days, the days when:

I lived on Mountain Dew and cheese popcorn

My friend drove a yellow Pinto

My boyfriend had longer (and bigger) hair than I did

Some football player cheated on his cheerleader girlfriend with some stoner chick that shall remain nameless

The most popular after school activity was hanging out and playing Excite Bike or Mike Tyson’s Punch Out

The new Guns n Roses album totally rocked

I had a huge crush on Jon Bon Jovi – ok, that one hasn’t really changed.

Oh, and the old high school boyfriend that had longer hair than me, the one that drove the old white Cadillac with an 8 track player, the one I couldn’t get enough of, the one that always made it onto my “I wonder whatever happened to….” list…. we’re going out this week.

I feel like I’m 16 all over again.

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Detox Sucks and I have a survey for you

Sorry to disappoint my exes and their attorneys or whoever else they have spying on me. I am not talking about drug detox. Feel free to have me tested however you want. Even hair follicles. I swear I won’t go all Britney Spears on you. Seriously, I cried when I cut off 10 inches of hair. There’s no way in hell I could shave it.

I’m talking about detoxing from junk food. On Monday, I started on nothing but raw food, eating nothing but fruits and veggies. No Diet Pepsi, no dark chocolate mint Three Musketeers, no Southern Style Chicken Sandwich and sweet tea. I even switched to soy milk and stevia instead of cow’s milk and sugar.

Ohmigawd, just reading that is making me hungry. This is just so not fun. The first two days I had a pounding headache, probably from the lack of caffeine. Oh wait, now that I think about it, I did cave in and have a Diet Pepsi on Monday or Tuesday. By Wednesday, I was dying. Like Asian-bird-flu-spinal-meningitis-ebola-virus dying. My whole body ached, I was tired, my throat was scratchy and I lost my voice at one point.

If I’d had the energy, I would’ve crawled to Taco Bell/KFC – and stopped at Pizza Hut on the way – just to make it stop.

But I’m glad I didn’t. I feel a lot better now – and I lost 6 lbs – although I’m still sick…feels more like a cold than a flu though so that’s good.

Now while I lay on the couch and watch old episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer on Hulu, would you mind taking a few minutes to answer a quick survey for me?

Click Here to take survey

Merci, mes amis!

(I probably totally screwed up my French but who cares, right? I highly doubt my 10th grade French teacher is reading this and if she is its not like she’s going to email me to tell me how disappointed she is.

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Totally crushing

Its no secret that I enjoy being single. I’m not one of those women who feels incomplete without a man and I don’t sit around on Saturday nights with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s wondering what’s wrong with me.

I know what’s wrong with me. I’m busy and I’m independent. And apparently I intimidate some men but I don’t know if I buy that one. I mean, come on, I’m a pussycat. No, really. Well, unless you hurt one of my kids. Then I get vicious.

I used to be worse. I used to be a total bitch to other women and emotionally barricaded when it came to men. But I’ve softened over the past two or three years. I’m much nicer. I’ve even been called (gasp!) a sweetheart.

And my tastes are changing too. The type of guy I am attracted to has evolved over the years. The better I felt about myself, the higher my standards became. I shit you not when I tell you that I married my ex-husband when I was 21 because he was the first guy I’d dated that had a steady job and didn’t drink or do drugs.

Then there were the party years when I was really shallow and HOT was at the top of my list of characteristics I wanted in a man. I dated guys who looked like they walked out of an underwear ad. They were cheaters, alcoholics, and unemployed but they were HOT.

That got old real quick. So I took a break from dating. The last relationship I had lasted 4 months and it was with a guy who was extremely intelligent. He was a writer, an activist, a literature and film buff, and we had deep, philosophical conversations that lasted hours.

That’s my type now. I like the smart guys, the geeks, the musicians and writers. I publicly confessed my crush on Perry Belcher on Twitter last week and I am privately crushing on another fellow blogger that I assumed, incorrectly, was married.

I’ve definitely come a long way over the past 18 years or so when it comes to guys. I was realizing this today after a conversation with Sissy who has become really interested in my relationship with her dad. I know this curiosity of hers is coming from her own conflicting emotions about Doodlebug’s father. And its a good sign. It shows me that she’s thinking more like a mother, less like a teenager. She’s realizing that her decisions and choices don’t affect just her anymore.

I’m proud of her for it.

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Coming up for air

Holy crap, has it really been that long since I posted??

Well, don’t expect much from me now. I’m tired. Beat. Exhausted.

Work is (good) crazy, lots of opportunities coming my way. Its so crazy, I had to take my binder with me when I went to pick the Princess up from school and I sat there in my car doing some mindmapping to figure out how I’m going to manage it all.

Just in case all of that “The Secret” stuff is true, I want to clarify: Hey, Universe, I’m not complaining! So don’t go taking this away from me, okay?

The kids are…well, the same. Haven’t seen Doodlebug since they got out of the hospital other than a few pictures and a 15 second cell phone video. Planning on seeing her and Sissy this weekend. Not too happy with Sissy and this Shithead she’s dating but, ya know, there’s not much I can do about it that doesn’t involve ending up on that Snapped show on Oxygen.

Bubba is in the hospital…again. I totally empathize with the kid. When I was married to his dad, I felt like checking myself in just to get away from him too. But its all good. Got me a court date NEXT WEEK to take care of this shit once and for all.

Princess…OMG, she amazes me. That child was just so excited about “Inoxoration” Day. I think she’s the only first grader in her school that can tell you the President’s name, his wife’s name, her official title of First Lady, how many states there are and how many senators each state has. She loves this stuff! Maybe she’ll be a poli sci major.

When we got home Tuesday afternoon (God, how I wanted to keep her home with me to watch it live!), CNN was replaying the Inauguration. I had to get online so I told her she could change and watch Spongebob. SHE SAID NO. *jaw drops* She said she wanted to watch President Obama. And when she had to go potty, she waited until a commercial and asked me to tell her when Barack Obama was back on.

That’s my girl!

She doesn’t seem to care much that I got to shake President Carter’s hand when I was her age though. Hmph.

Ok, I’ll catch up later. I’ve got a nifty little blogging schedule set up thanks to a planner I downloaded at Blog Energizer so I’ll be back on track soon.

P.S. Go subscribe to Bad Mommy Blogger. Now! Seriously, its going to kick ass. Launch week starts February 2nd.

P.P.S. See that “Please Vote!” thing over there to the right? Could you take a minute and click on it? It’ll take you to my profile on Startup Nation. Then click that little “Vote” button on my profile. You can vote once per day. Pretty please?

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