“Home Sweet Home” or the “Where in the hell have I been?” post

So I guess I didn't scare you off, huh? Good! Welcome back!

I have somehow lost like an entire week. Between celebrating my birthday, freaking out over the idea that 40 is only 2 years away, getting in touch with old friends from high school and hanging out with an old boyfriend, and seeing my therapist again for the first time in several months just to discuss what we need to do before closing out my file, I’m having one of those identity crisis things I think. Not a big one, just enough to make me wonder how much of the old me is still around.

When I say “the old me” I’m talking about two particular phases in my life: Teenage Me and The Breakdown Years.

Teenage Me was nothing but trouble. I skipped class, I smoked pot, I dated bad boys who had longer hair than I did, I went to rock concerts, I slept with a cheerleader’s boyfriend, I ran away from rehab. My jeans were ripped, my stereo was always blasting, my hair was big and blonde (except for that one time I used some temporary stuff to color it red and apparently I got mad at The Boyfriend for saying he liked it better blonde but I don’t remember that.)

I worshipped guys like Nikki Sixx, Sebastian Bach, Rudy Sarzo, Steven Tyler, Rick Savage….I even wrote a letter to the dude that managed Poison at the time to ask him what it would take to become an entertainment manager. Music was my life. If I couldn’t BE a Rock Star, I was going to work with them. (This will explain why so many of my projects have the term Rock Star in the name. Like Rock Star Blog Design and the Rock Star Biz Network. And why some of my jobs and my friendships have been centered around music and bands.)

But some of that passion has fizzled over the past few years, some of which has to do with The Breakdown Years.

During The Breakdown Years, I was still involved in some of it…bands, concerts, drinking, bad boys. None of it was doing me any good. In fact, it damn near killed me. Between having my heartbroken and trying to save someone from the same addictions I had long ago freed myself from, it broke me. I lost sight of who I was and what was important to me. I let people treat me like shit because I felt like that was what I deserved which made no sense because I was always the type of person that swore I’d never take any crap from anyone.

That’s all over now. It all finally came to a head in the Summer of 2006 and I almost died. Twice. That was my rock bottom. And I’ve busted my ass to pull myself back up from there. I stopped partying, I stopped dating, I stopped going to concerts other than a few local bands and to kinda chaperone a few for my daughter and her friends.

I got my own place, I found a job working from home, I started my own business, and I stayed out of trouble.

So what does this past week have to do with all of this stuff? Well now that I’m in a better place in my life and got some control back, I’ve got room to let some of the old me back in without worrying about throwing away this New Me I’ve worked so hard on building.

I can have my loud music back. I can have a few drinks. I can hang out with the bad boys as long as they’re the kind that just seem bad on the surface but underneath they’ve got a heart of gold and would never intentionally hurt me or anyone else, the ones that have Been There Done That (like me) and learned their lessons (like me).

Over the past week, I’ve been thinking about that little space in my life where my professional life and my personal life are connected. Most of my life is lived online right now and I don’t want to have to worry about keeping them separate. I want to be myself in my business, I want to be authentic, I don’t want to feel like I need to apologize or explain myself to anyone in either of those circles. My friends will know that I can’t stay up drinking all night because I have a client project to finish, and my clients will know that I am not working over the weekend because I’m going to a concert.

In other words, I am who I am. Yes, I have a past but I also have a future. And all of the mistakes I’ve made have made me who I am today. Love it or leave it.

Your ad here, right now: $0

Strawberry fields forever

Before I share today’s thoughts, I wanted to acknowledge a special occasion. 16 years ago today, I delivered my only son into this world. He and I have a song that we share so I wanted to post the video here.

I don’t know if that’s what is making me feel so emotional today or if its the weather (we’re getting a bunch of snow dumped on us) or all of this Valentine’s Day crap or if I’m just stressed and tired. But it seems like the slightest little thing is just bringing me to tears.

I was in the shower this morning and I was out of my favorite coconut body wash so I had to use Princess’ strawberry scented Suave for Kids.  And that smell reminded me of how, when I was little, I always wanted strawberry scented shampoo.  Then that brought back another memory.

I lived in Spain when I was about 13 and I was one of “the cool kids.” I hung out with this big group – both boys and girls – and we were the types that owned that school bus, we all dated each other, the girls were tough and the boys were cute. (Gimme a break, it was junior high.)

But there was this one girl that didn’t hang out with us. She lived in our neighborhood, she rode our bus, but she didn’t pay one bit of attention to us. She was beautiful…and I was jealous.

It wasn’t her beauty that intrigued me though. It was this…aura…that she had. Now the reason this all came back to me this morning is because I remember that anytime she was around – especially when I was a few yards behind her walking to the bus stop – this scent trailed her. It was some kind of fruity, floral shampoo or something and it just added to that aura. It smelled like happiness.

Her dad was military which is why she went to school with us, but her mom was Spanish. And she called her Miel which is Spanish for honey. I remember seeing her around the neighborhood with her mom and I envisioned them doing the fun things Moms and daughters do – shopping, getting manicures, talking about her friends and boys.

This was around the same time that I was living with some of the greatest pain I’ve ever felt in my own life. I wanted to be anyone but me. I wanted to be this girl called Honey that smelled like flowers and didn’t seem to care about being cool or popular. 

To this very day, I find myself wishing I had that same sense of confidence and feeling of being loved.

Your ad here, right now: $0

We need to talk

I have something I want to share with you. Its a very personal video blog post about a very important subject: childhood sexual abuse.

Sexual abuse is not something I talk about a lot but I do talk about it openly when the subject arises. Thanks to the 12 for 12k Challenge, I have a reason to talk about it and a way that you can help.

Did you know that in the U.S. childhood sexual abuse affects 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 6 boys by the time they’re 18? Did you know that the effects of childhood sexual abuse include mental illness, teen pregnancy, drug abuse, suicide, homelessness, and crime? Did you know that we’re spending billions of dollars to treat these effects?

There’s an organization called “Stop Child Sexual Abuse” that has launched a campaign called “Stop the Silence” which is aimed at preventing sexual abuse and providing treatment for survivors. Here’s how they describe their mission:

The Mission of Stop the Silence is to expose and stop CSA and help survivors heal worldwide. Our overarching Goals are to:

1) to promote healing of victims and survivors; and

2) to celebrate the lives of those healed.

Through our work, we aim to address the relationships between CSA and the broader issues of overall family and community violence, and violence within and between communities. Our focus underlines the importance of a shift in focus on positive development within our social complexes (e.g., the relationships between men, women, adults and children, cultural groups) to support peaceful – and to hinder violence-prone – relationships.

So what can you do? Watch this video. Then visit the 12 for 12k Challenge website and do your part.

UPDATE: I’ve added the ChipIn widget from the 12for12k.org site so that a) you can just go straight to the donation page after you’re finished reading/watching this post and b) so anyone who reads this post can see how much has been donated so far. There’s a “copy” button on the widget if you’d like to do the same.
After you’ve done that, I want you to email me at thatcrazymom@gmail.com, attach a copy of your receipt showing your donation, and I’ll provide you with a free custom Twitter background. I wish I could afford to match your donations but I hope you don’t mind settling for a freebie and my undying appreciation.

Thanks for listening. Now here’s the video…oh, wait, one more thing… I want to apologize for the wobbly video. I was sitting on my bed and Princess kept coming in then climbing up and down, up and down…. And I apologize for looking like a total dork too. I’m not one of those women that can cry and still look cute.

Your ad here, right now: $0

Enough is enough

I swear, I have had the worst luck with clients or potential clients lately and I’m seriously about to just scrap it all and start fresh – new business, new target market, new everything.

First there was the client who hired me to convert an HTML site to a WP site plus 10 hours worth of VA work. I got the site done right away and heard nothing from them for like a month. Now usually I don’t do rollover hours. The hours are to be used before the end of the month. But I let it go and carried them over to January. Then in January, those 10 hours that I’d intended to spend on some administrative stuff – sales pages, newsletter, etc. – were spent on constant revisions. The site was DONE. New graphics, theme fully customized, the whole bit. Then came the “Oh I think I want this other theme instead.” Ok, fine. I redid the whole thing with a different theme. Done. “Oh, I think I want a different color scheme.” ARRGGH!!! Redid all of the CSS and the .php files and waited for the rest of the info to be used in the pages. Two header redesigns later, I still don’t have the text I need. Plus I’m having to go in and fix things that they tried to do on their own – turn pages into posts, move categories to subcategories. I wait a week for a response which I finally get on a Friday afternoon. By Tuesday, I’m getting “Where are you?? Is the site done??” emails. Two working days later. Two. Actually, more like one and a half since it was Tuesday morning. Needless to say, there were no VA hours left over to get to the stuff I had originally planned because it was all spent on the bazillion revisions.

Then there are the ones who want an entire WP site done twice as fast for half the price. First its the “I can’t afford it” stuff. I tried to make it easier by splitting it up into two payments, sent out an invoice for the first half. Waited and waited on payment. Nada. They wanted a list of what was being done for this (already reduced) price. Sent it. Then comes the haggling. How much if we don’t do this part? How much for just this that and the other? I never should’ve caved in to begin with. It just opens a door that never gets shut unless you slam it. Hard.

Now from someone else, I’ve got an unpaid invoice that’s never going to get paid because they’re claiming they never got the email in which I sent the first draft so they hired someone else. Now how am I supposed to prove I sent it and is it even really worth it? No matter what I do, they’re going to refuse to pay. Oh and if I want proof that they never got it, I can check out their site to see that they’re using a different one. So I did. And guess what? The tag line on the one they’re using is the EXACT same one I came up with on the draft of the graphic I sent that they “never” received. Coincidence? Doubtful.

Lessons learned. From now on, I am standing firm on my prices and my policies including a deposit before work is even started. Proposals, expenses, timelines will all be laid out in the beginning and any deviations from that will either cause other work to get pushed to the bottom of the priority list or it all gets done and the extra hours are billed.

I can’t do business like this. I can’t put in 20 hours and only get paid for 10 of them. I can’t do $500 worth of work for $200. And I can’t put time into a project that I’m not going to get paid for.

Now I’m sure I’ll be bashed and gossiped about for talking publicly about this because I’m supposed to be worried about my image. But ya know what? If it sends the message that I do not appreciate or deserve to be taken advantage of , good. I know I’m not the only who has had these problems and I have no problem being the one to speak up and say you can’t treat people like this. Hopefully my future clients will appreciate that about me. Those that have a problem with it will certainly be able to find someone else to hire.

If you want quality work and you want me to do what you hired me to do, let’s talk. If you want to hire someone who is willing to negotiate their prices and do some of the work for free…well, I wish you luck. Please, please, please respect the people that provide the services your business needs. We have busy schedules and bills to pay too.

Aaaahhhhhhhh!!! I needed to get that out or else I would’ve lost what’s left of my mind.

Your ad here, right now: $0

Totally crushing

Its no secret that I enjoy being single. I’m not one of those women who feels incomplete without a man and I don’t sit around on Saturday nights with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s wondering what’s wrong with me.

I know what’s wrong with me. I’m busy and I’m independent. And apparently I intimidate some men but I don’t know if I buy that one. I mean, come on, I’m a pussycat. No, really. Well, unless you hurt one of my kids. Then I get vicious.

I used to be worse. I used to be a total bitch to other women and emotionally barricaded when it came to men. But I’ve softened over the past two or three years. I’m much nicer. I’ve even been called (gasp!) a sweetheart.

And my tastes are changing too. The type of guy I am attracted to has evolved over the years. The better I felt about myself, the higher my standards became. I shit you not when I tell you that I married my ex-husband when I was 21 because he was the first guy I’d dated that had a steady job and didn’t drink or do drugs.

Then there were the party years when I was really shallow and HOT was at the top of my list of characteristics I wanted in a man. I dated guys who looked like they walked out of an underwear ad. They were cheaters, alcoholics, and unemployed but they were HOT.

That got old real quick. So I took a break from dating. The last relationship I had lasted 4 months and it was with a guy who was extremely intelligent. He was a writer, an activist, a literature and film buff, and we had deep, philosophical conversations that lasted hours.

That’s my type now. I like the smart guys, the geeks, the musicians and writers. I publicly confessed my crush on Perry Belcher on Twitter last week and I am privately crushing on another fellow blogger that I assumed, incorrectly, was married.

I’ve definitely come a long way over the past 18 years or so when it comes to guys. I was realizing this today after a conversation with Sissy who has become really interested in my relationship with her dad. I know this curiosity of hers is coming from her own conflicting emotions about Doodlebug’s father. And its a good sign. It shows me that she’s thinking more like a mother, less like a teenager. She’s realizing that her decisions and choices don’t affect just her anymore.

I’m proud of her for it.

Your ad here, right now: $0