“Home Sweet Home” or the “Where in the hell have I been?” post

So I guess I didn't scare you off, huh? Good! Welcome back!

I have somehow lost like an entire week. Between celebrating my birthday, freaking out over the idea that 40 is only 2 years away, getting in touch with old friends from high school and hanging out with an old boyfriend, and seeing my therapist again for the first time in several months just to discuss what we need to do before closing out my file, I’m having one of those identity crisis things I think. Not a big one, just enough to make me wonder how much of the old me is still around.

When I say “the old me” I’m talking about two particular phases in my life: Teenage Me and The Breakdown Years.

Teenage Me was nothing but trouble. I skipped class, I smoked pot, I dated bad boys who had longer hair than I did, I went to rock concerts, I slept with a cheerleader’s boyfriend, I ran away from rehab. My jeans were ripped, my stereo was always blasting, my hair was big and blonde (except for that one time I used some temporary stuff to color it red and apparently I got mad at The Boyfriend for saying he liked it better blonde but I don’t remember that.)

I worshipped guys like Nikki Sixx, Sebastian Bach, Rudy Sarzo, Steven Tyler, Rick Savage….I even wrote a letter to the dude that managed Poison at the time to ask him what it would take to become an entertainment manager. Music was my life. If I couldn’t BE a Rock Star, I was going to work with them. (This will explain why so many of my projects have the term Rock Star in the name. Like Rock Star Blog Design and the Rock Star Biz Network. And why some of my jobs and my friendships have been centered around music and bands.)

But some of that passion has fizzled over the past few years, some of which has to do with The Breakdown Years.

During The Breakdown Years, I was still involved in some of it…bands, concerts, drinking, bad boys. None of it was doing me any good. In fact, it damn near killed me. Between having my heartbroken and trying to save someone from the same addictions I had long ago freed myself from, it broke me. I lost sight of who I was and what was important to me. I let people treat me like shit because I felt like that was what I deserved which made no sense because I was always the type of person that swore I’d never take any crap from anyone.

That’s all over now. It all finally came to a head in the Summer of 2006 and I almost died. Twice. That was my rock bottom. And I’ve busted my ass to pull myself back up from there. I stopped partying, I stopped dating, I stopped going to concerts other than a few local bands and to kinda chaperone a few for my daughter and her friends.

I got my own place, I found a job working from home, I started my own business, and I stayed out of trouble.

So what does this past week have to do with all of this stuff? Well now that I’m in a better place in my life and got some control back, I’ve got room to let some of the old me back in without worrying about throwing away this New Me I’ve worked so hard on building.

I can have my loud music back. I can have a few drinks. I can hang out with the bad boys as long as they’re the kind that just seem bad on the surface but underneath they’ve got a heart of gold and would never intentionally hurt me or anyone else, the ones that have Been There Done That (like me) and learned their lessons (like me).

Over the past week, I’ve been thinking about that little space in my life where my professional life and my personal life are connected. Most of my life is lived online right now and I don’t want to have to worry about keeping them separate. I want to be myself in my business, I want to be authentic, I don’t want to feel like I need to apologize or explain myself to anyone in either of those circles. My friends will know that I can’t stay up drinking all night because I have a client project to finish, and my clients will know that I am not working over the weekend because I’m going to a concert.

In other words, I am who I am. Yes, I have a past but I also have a future. And all of the mistakes I’ve made have made me who I am today. Love it or leave it.

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