Too good to be true

So I guess I didn't scare you off, huh? Good! Welcome back!

Whenever things start going good for me, I always feel like I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Three times during the past week, the subject of fear of failure/fear of success has come up. And each time I’ve said the same thing – I fear success because I am afraid that as soon as I get used to it and start to be comfortable with it, it will go away.

Sure enough, its starting to. Things were going really great, I made twice as much in the first half of December as I had in November. A month ago, I didn’t know how I was going to get the kids anything for Christmas. And then things picked up and I was so excited that I was going to be able to give them a decent Christmas this year.

Yet here I am, a week before Christmas, and my plans fell apart. Between not getting a payment I had been counting on and an unexpeected bill that came up, I’m back to where I was…wondering how I’m going to afford groceries for the rest of the month.

You know what hurts the most? I was so excited about being able to get Princess the biggest thing on her Christmas list – a Nintendo DS Lite in metallic rose – and I ordered it a few days ago through Amazon plus two games thanks to a buy one, get one free deal they had. Oh it was going to be perfect! One game was some Imagine Teacher (which she loves to do….play school) and the other was some horse riding game and she is crazy about horses. Well I just got the email about an hour ago that the order won’t be shipped because my card was declined. Well, yeah, after having to pay an extra two months on my car insurance there wasn’t enough money in my account.

So there it goes – my pride, the absolute joy just thinking about what it was going to be like to see the excitement on her face when Santa really did bring her the DS. Instead I have to face not just her but all 3 of my kids and explain to them that Mommy was doing good for a while but now its gone again and I’m sorry but this is all there is, maybe next year.

It felt good while it lasted and I am grateful that I was able to pay off some bills this month, get my cell phone turned back on, keep my water from getting shut off. Like I said last night, better to have short-lived success than none at all, right?

Yeah. Right.

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