Confession Time

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Long before Dr. Phil became a cliche and a caricature of his former self, he used to tell people to “Get real!” And one thing I have always tried to teach my kids is to be themselves and f@ck what other people think about them.

About a month ago, I had one of those Proud Mommy moments when Bubba told me this story. He was telling me about a younger friend of his that will be going in to high school this year. Bubba will be a sophomore and he has sort of taken this freshman under his wing. So this kid was telling Bubba how he’s not sure of who he’s going to be – emo, stoner, scholar, jock. And Bubba says to me “I told him to just be himself. That’s what you’ve always said and its worked for me.”

So now its my turn to “get real” with some random confessions, things I need to get off my chest and things that might give you a better idea of who I am. I’m hoping that by purging some of this shit, I can move on to a more positive attitude.

Deep breath, April. Here it goes…

I live with a voice in my head that tells me I’ll never be good enough. I watch other people online – on Twitter, on forums, on blogs – brag about their latest project or newest client and I think “That’ll never be me.” I’ve spent 20 years feeling doomed. I have periods of positivity and motivation but they never last long. I have moments where I want to just toss it all- my business, my blog, my other projects – because I’ll never be a success at any of it.

When my kids aren’t here, I am a totally different person. I sleep on the couch, I only leave the house about once a week (mostly because of the cost of gas, not because I’m a hermit), and I live on coffee, Diet Cherry Pepsi and sandwiches which I only eat once a day. Sometimes if I get really hungry I’ll grab something at a drive-thru but for the most part I try to get by on eating very little so that I’ll have enough money left when the kids return. With a gallon of milk costing as much as a gallon of gas and a loaf of bread running $3, I can’t justify buying groceries when I’m the only one here.

I seriously doubt I will ever get married again. I came really close about two years ago but once that relationship fell apart, I couldn’t imagine ever feeling that way about someone other than my children ever again. So I’d rather just spend the rest of my life alone than settle for anything less than what this person and I had. I know its not healthy and, believe me, it sucks a LOT being alone but I’ve pretty much just given up on it because I can’t stand that feeling of longing.

I’ve had two periods all year. I know I should see a doctor and the lady at the urgent care place a few weeks ago looked at me like I was crazy for being so non-chalant about that little fact. “I figured it was just part of getting old”, I shrugged. She peered at me over her glasses and said “But you’re only 37 35.” I felt like saying “Ha! Easy for you to say, you have insurance.” The truth is, I know she’s right. I do need to see my doctor. But two things are stopping me: 1) I don’t have insurance and my credit is already ruined from medical bills and 2) there probably is something wrong and I’d rather not know. Ignorance, bliss, that whole thing.

So there ya have it. Some of the toxic little dark clouds that hover over me on a daily basis. There’s other stuff too – like the fact that I hate my day job, that I’m disgusted with our state government agencies including Department of Health and Human Service and Department of Education to the point where I’m considering lawsuits against both of them, that I’m going to be a grandmother in January and my daughter and I are barely speaking because of it, that my son is stuck living with a father he can’t stand because I’m too broke to hire an attorney, that I’m so homesick and want to move to Georgia or Florida so bad that it physically aches at times – but this whole post is depressing enough as it is and I don’t want to lose the few readers that I do have.

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